What is Haddie’s room like in Heaven?

Haddie,

A few days ago I was having one of those weepy mornings.  I had gone on a walk early by myself and cried for the majority of it.  I came home and got Elo ready and we all got in the car to head to my doctor’s appointment.  These have become a family affair lately.  As we drove we somehow got talking about baby boy’s room.  Then Elo talked about her room and asked me where your room was.  Daddy said that you still had your room in our house.  Elo said, “No where is Haddie’s room in heaven?” Your Daddy and I were both quiet for a minute hoping the other would answer.  Finally I said, “Haddie’s room is in Heaven on a big fluffy cloud that she can bounce on any time she wants.  Doesn’t that sound fun?”

“Yea, I wanna go there.” Elo said

I said, “Some day we will go there.  Hopefully, Jesus will come back for us and we can all go together.”

“No I want to go right now.” Elo said with an increasingly frustrated voice.

Your Daddy said, “Mama and Daddy would miss you so much and we want you here with us.”

“No I want to be with Haddie.”  Elo replied and started to cry.

Your Daddy and I let her cry and we sat in silence for the rest of the ride to Grand Rapids.  Of course I let the tears stream down my face.  I want to be with you too, Haddie.

Today Elo was having quiet time in her room and Daddy and I were sitting outside.  We talked about you.  Would you have hair by now?  Would it still be blonde or would it have started to turn brown?  Would you be sassy like your sister?  I personally think that you didn’t have a sassy bone in your body.  Your Daddy thinks that you would have learned to keep up with Elo.  Our life is so quiet right now.  In those quiet times I can’t help but think of you.  How different our lives would be and look.  A few weeks ago we had gone shopping for some clothes for Elo, some for Daddy, and I’m sure I found something for myself I always do.  But after we checked out I said to your Daddy, “Think of how much money we would have spent if Haddie was here.”  He replied, “I would gladly spend it all.”  I hate that I have to sit and try to imagine what you would be like.  How you would look.  How our lives would be.  I have started to go through Elo’s clothes and give some away to people who need them or sell them.  If you were here I wouldn’t be doing that.  I would be saving them all for you.  I also ordered a 3 year old picture of Elo to put in her frame that is next to yours.  Your picture stayed the same.  You will always be 9 months.

We are patiently awaiting the arrival of your brother any day now.  Elo so desperately needs a sibling.  She is very much an “only” child right now.  For many reason this baby is Elo’s baby.  Much of my decision to have another child was for Elo.  I am sure I will be surprised at how much this baby will change our lives, etc.

Today is 13 months without you.  I feel it.  I love you.  I miss living life with you.

 

Love,

 

Mama

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It’s all just BULL****

Haddie Bo Bo,

There has been so much sadness in the news lately.  So many families losing their children.  I can’t bring myself to read the articles because reading about their pain ignites my own pain in a way that sticks with me for days.  I know how they feel and I know what the future holds for them and it’s awful.  I know the torment they will experience.  The moments that are filled with guilt, shame, and regret.  The joy filled moments that seem joy sucking.

We spent father’s day here at home.  Quietly missing you.  On days like Father’s Day we don’t really talk about the day.  We know what day it is but we also know that it’s not how it should be.  Saturday before father’s day we had Aunt Alisa, Everett, Cruiser, and Olive over to swim for the day.  When they were packing up Crew was so exhausted and just beside himself.  It shocked me but your Daddy went over to him and picked him up and start to rock him.  He fell asleep with in a minute or so.  Watching this was just heartbreaking for me.  It’s one thing to deal with my own pain but to watch your Daddy do something that he should be  doing with you is a whole other ball game. Especially because it just doesn’t happen very often.  Although it was heartbreaking it was also heartwarming.  It was nice to remember what your Daddy should be doing.  We are so out of practice for having a kid your age around.  Crew threw almost everything into the pool a spatula, broom, a bubble blower gun, etc.  This is the stuff that would be happening if you were here.  

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IMG_3187There should be another shadow in this picture.

I find myself saying all these cliche phrases throughout the day.  I think I say them mostly for Eloise but maybe for myself.  When blowing bubbles I say, “Let’s blow some to Haddie.”  When picking out a balloon I will ask Elo, “What color do you think Haddie would want?”  Maybe I say them for me as a way to keep you a part of our everyday lives.  But at the end of the day it’s all just BULLSHIT.  None of it is true or matters.  Your not here to pop bubbles or pick out your own balloon.  None of it makes it easier.  Life is grey.

So your brother should be making his arrival any time now.  I go back and forth between wanting him to come right now and keeping him in there.  Once he is born he is here and life changes.  I am not ready for people to only talk about him.  I don’t want to stop talking and thinking about you…EVER.  I remember you everyday.  I remember who you were.  I remember the little things.  I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that you are gone…forever.

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I love you.

Mama

 

PS. For some reason I can’t rotate my pictures.

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Girls Trip Missing You

Haddie Bo Bo,

One of my morning routines this past year was to check #Timehop while I was still in bed.  Many times I got to see your beautiful face and see what we were doing this time last year.  It was bittersweet as you can imagine.  Sometimes it left me sobbing and other times with a smile.  Since June 2nd has passed I still get up and check #Timehop.  But there is no sign of you.  Because you are gone.  I do get the occasional picture that reminds me of the sad parts.  Today last year your Daddy and I got tattoos to honor you.  It’s funny how enduring the loss of child will make you feel like doing extreme things.  For me getting a tattoo is not an extreme thing, but for your Daddy it was.  Before you passed I used to follow another’s mom’s blog who lost a child.  She always did extreme things and she said it would make her feel alive.  She ran a 26.2 marathon without training for it.  She hiked a mountain when it was 115 degrees outside.  I remember reading these posts and grieving for her but now I understand that on a whole new level.  Nothing compares to the pain I feel in my heart.  Nothing scares me anymore, other than losing another child.

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This past weekend I took Elo to visit Aunt Rachel and Evie in Chicago.  It was our first of many mother/daughter girls trips.  We did our first visit to the American Girl Doll store and spent our first small fortune there.  We swam on the rooftop pool and watched all the people at the beach below.  We walked to the donut shop, and then to the park.  Mama waddled more than walked and Aunt Rachel was very patient with my slow walking.  Then there was the fighting.  Elo and Evie are both very strong-willed 2 1/2 and 3 year olds.  I personally think that is a fantastic personality trait for a girl, but it is very very hard to parent.  We had moments of calmness between the raging storms.  It was a great weekend.  But as soon as I stepped foot in our house I knew I was sad and I knew why.  You should have been on this girls trip.  Honestly, I don’t know if I would have taken you on this trip or left you at home with Daddy, but knowing that I didn’t even have the choice sucked.  You should have been adding to the chaos or welcoming us home.  Either way it’s just wrong.

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In other news the Every Child Wakes Up 5K is coming along!  We have a great t-shirt design and a few sponsors on board.  I am really excited to put on this event.  I wanted to do it around your birthday to celebrate your life, but the timing didn’t really work out.  September is Safe Sleep Awareness Month and everyone is back from summer vacation.  So it just made sense to do it in September.

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Please head over to https://runsignup.com/Race/Holland/MI/EveryChildWakesUp5K to sign up!!

We miss you Hads.  ds

Love,

Mama

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Stuck between what should be, and what is

Haddie Bo Bo,

 

Your Uncle Aaron spoke at church today.  He was talking about the tension in our lives and he said, “Tension is being stuck between what should be, and what is.”

It hit me.  This perfectly describes what I feel on a day to day basis.

I constantly feel a tension between being present everyday and living life, and just wanting to be with you.  Somedays I can take some time, grieve you, and then move on with my day.  Others I can’t get past it and I feel this tension deep inside my soul.  Yesterday was one of these days.  I laid on the couch, watching Elo play through my tears.  I wanted to join her, she deserves that, but I couldn’t move past it. I kept praying, “God take me to be with, Haddie.”  But I know I need to be here for Elo and that thought is sad too.  Everything is just overwhelmingly sad.

Thursday, June 2nd, was the 1 year anniversary of your passing.  How have we lived this year without you?  It has gone by so fast.  But in that same thought, it seems like an eternity since I have seen you, or held you.  My heart aches to hold you.  I am having trouble picturing what our life would look like if you were here.  I am having trouble remembering what life was like when you were here.  I do remember how happy we were, how content I was with life.  I knew this day would be hard.  I sent Elo to Aunt Emily’s for the day.  I sat in your room and opened your chest and touched your clothes.  I hugged your blankets and smelled them.  I rubbed my fingers tips over your handprints.  I held your hair clippings in my hand.  I watched your “lifestory” from the funeral home and sobbed, wept, screamed.  I listened to your funeral and there was more screaming.  It was ugly.  But you deserved every tear, every scream, and every ounce of grief.  You deserve that for the rest of my life.

I didn’t expect the raw emotions I would feel surrounding this whole week.  The anticipation leading up to June 2nd and especially how hard the days following June 2nd would be.  Today I woke up and looked through my pictures on #Timehop.  Today was the day that we saw your for the first time in the funeral home.  We held you.  We put your PJ’s on. We read to you.  I painted your finger nails and toes.  I remember feeling your weight against my body and even though you weren’t alive it felt so good.  There was healing in that moment.

So yes this week was and continues to be hard. “Hard” doesn’t do it justice.  But also this time of year.  Spring seems to be the time of year to celebrate everything….Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Daddy’s Birthday.  With each of those days I am stuck.  I am stuck in the tension between what should be, and what is.  You should be here with us everyday.  Life shouldn’t hurt everyday, every breath, every moment, we live without you.

Every time I hear someone share your story I am proud of you. It means so much to me.  But then there is always this weird feeling….why is this my story? Why does this have to be our story?

I didn’t tell Elo what June 2nd meant.  But that morning she woke up and went into your room.  She said I want to hold the “Haddie Bear”.  So I picked it up and put it on her lap.

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These moments I will treasure forever.

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I grieve you everyday, Haddie, not just June 2nd.  A piece of my heart is forever missing.

I love you,

 

Mama

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Mama Bear on Steroids

Haddie Bo Bo,

 

The more and more pregnant I get the more my Mama Bear comes out and it’s like I’m on steroids.

This is our last night of our vacation.  We are in Nashville, we are tired, so we decided to stay in.  We ordered appetizers from the restaurant next door and sat out by the pool and watched Elo swim.  She was the only one in the pool so I was relieved when some kids showed up.  There was a girl who was older probably around 7 and her brother who was around 4.  I could tell right away that your sister was excited that there were kids to play with.  She makes friends really fast, and loves to play with other kids, and does this wherever we go.  She is not shy.  She is like her Mama.  She swam over to the girl and said something to her.  The girl did not acknowledge Elo, she did not smile, she ignored her.  Elo continued to try to play with the girl and the boy and they outright ignored her.  I was fuming, for a few reasons.  Why are they being so mean?  You don’t have to play with Elo but you could be kind and smile.  But really why couldn’t you play with her?  The girl was being a good sister and playing with her little brother.  Tears filled my eyes.  You should here for Elo to play with.  Elo should never have to play alone.  Elo didn’t realize that they didn’t want to play her.  She went on playing, laughing, and just being my happy girl. My heart broke for her…my heart broke for you.

Not only was your life stolen from us…but I grieve the life that was stolen from all of us.  My life will never be the same.  All my relationships have changed.  I am a different person.  I am a different friend.  I am a different Mom.  I am a different family member.  I am a different wife.  I don’t love the life I live.  I don’t love the person I am most of the time.  There are parts I love of course.  But mostly this life hurts.  It’s hard to live it.  My goal in life was to have the perfect family.  I grew up with my Mama who sacrificed everything for me.  She worked so hard to give me a great childhood and it was.  She is my hero and I love her.  But I wanted to give my kids everything I didn’t have.  I wanted my children to have a Mom and a Dad.  I wanted them to have close sibling relationships.  So I feel like God has taken that dream from me and there is no possibility of that dream coming true.  It feels personal.  It feels like God said, “I see that your living your dream, but NO you can’t have this perfect life.”  I get angry and sometimes I can’t let it go.  Well most of the time.  I hate that Elo’s life with her sister has been stolen from her.  I hate that your Daddy had this life stolen and now he has to live with a wife who is an emotional time bomb.  He takes 99% of the brunt of my grief.

This time last year was the last week we had together.  I am reminded daily of the adventures we had in our last week.

We celebrated Miss Katie’s Birthday.  We went out for dinner and had frozen yogurt.  We let you kids play in the grass.  You tried to eat the grass and the wood chips over and over.  We used the selfie stick.  You gave funny looks.

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We spent a lot of it outside.  Elo showed you how to use the water table and you loved it.

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We got out a sprinkler that Grandma brought back from Florida.  I locked you on the deck so you wouldn’t fall into the pool.  I was new at being a mom to two little girls with a pool in the backyard and I didn’t trust myself.  I look at all these pictures of you and I can see you so upset that you had to be on the deck.  You cried the whole time.  At the time it happened I didn’t think much of it.  I thought you would get over it.  Now I regret it.  I should have let you come down and play with Elo.  I should have scooped you up and comforted your tears.

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You discovered a love for eggs, and went into the pool for the first time.

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Here is a pic of Elo and Daddy on vacation.  We miss you.  We all miss you so terribly.  My heart breaks for you almost everyday.  But when Elo grieves for you it’s unbearable.  She said to me yesterday, “Tomorrow we are going to go to heaven, to see Haddie.  But we have to be quiet because she is sleeping.”

 

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Love you,

 

Mama

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Selfies and Swings

Haddie Bo Bo,

 

Today I woke up to the sun streaming into my room in Myrtle Beach.  I spent the morning soaking in the sun and watching Elo literally roll around in the sand.  This day last year is the day that I have thought about the most since you have passed.  We spent the morning at home together as a family.  I had recently returned from our cruise and purchased a selfie stick.  Everyone on the cruise had a selfie stick.  So we tried it out!  You gave this selfie sticks the crazy looks and now I treasure those faces you made.

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I really miss holding both of my girls in my arms at the same time.

Later in the day we went to Mama’s favorite restaurant Boatwerks.  I haven’t been back to this restaurant since that day.  I remember you sitting in your highchair and the older couple next to us just got a kick out of you and your toothy grin.  After we were done eating we headed over to the park and spent the rest of the evening swinging.  You had a blast.

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I remember going to bed that night thinking this is how life should be.  This was the perfect day.

Check out this video of this day too!

 

https://www.facebook.com/sandy.bromley.7/videos/10102990664456475/?l=5808147827931778523

Love you forever,

Mama

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I still can’t imagine one more day without you.

Haddie Bo Bo,

Last year at this time I was still on that cruise that we took.  So my #Timehop has been filled with those pictures.  But one of those days we were gone you spent it with Aunt Emily.  She took all these amazing pictures of you.  They are some of my all time favorites.  They captured who you are.  I studied these pictures looking at every detail.  It allowed me to remember some of the things that I have forgotten about you.  You always bit your bottom lip or somehow sucked it into your mouth.  Like this:

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Your eyes were so big and blue, and filled with life, and excitement.  Your smile was so big and you were happy, sweet, and kind.  I miss when you would look me in my eyes and touch my face, like you couldn’t get close enough.

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You were easy to please, especially if someone was holding you, or physically touching you.

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You really loved one of one time with people and had a funny way way of making them feel loved.  I know you loved me.  Even though you woke me up super early I would always get excited to see your face when you saw mine.

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I think this goes without saying but you were just beautiful.  I loved your head.  I think it had a unique shape and I could recognize it always.  You weren’t very adventurous on your own but you were curious.  You loved sticking anything and everything in your mouth and biting.

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If I knew you were going to only have 9 months with us I would have spent so much more time knowing you, learning you, and memorizing everything about you.  This would be so much easier if I could just see you and know that you are ok.

I guess I just don’t have much to say today other than I miss you.  I can never accurately convey how much I miss you.  How much I hate living this life without you.  Even though its been 348 days since I have held you I still can’t imagine living one more day without you.

https://www.facebook.com/sandy.bromley.7/videos/10103225822991885/

Love you so much.

Mama

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Selfish Mother’s Day

absence

 

Haddie Bo Bo,

 

Today was hard.  I woke up and you were my first thought.

This should be my first Mother’s Day without you.  But it’s not.  Last year your Daddy and I went on a cruise over Mother’s Day.  When we originally booked the cruise I remember the lady asking me if I was ok with being away on Mother’s Day.  At the time it didn’t bother me at all.  “What is one Mother’s Day apart from my girls?  We would have a lifetime of Mother’s Days together.”  This is what I thought.  Today the guilt of this decision weighed so heavy on my heart.  I will never forgive myself for going on that cruise with out you.  I will never forgive myself for leaving you home on Mother’s Day.   Your Daddy and I had a great time on the cruise, but the good doesn’t out weigh the bad.  Or even come close.

I made breakfast this morning for Elo and Daddy and cried for you.  I went on a 2 mile walk and cried for you.  I took a shower and cried for you.  I had asked your Daddy to take Elo and go somewhere for the day.  I just wanted to be alone.  I didn’t want Elo or your Daddy to see me cry.  But they didn’t listen.  We spent the day at the beach, eating pronto pups and ice cream, and letting Elo play on the playground.  Elo had a good day and that’s all that matters.  I didn’t look at my phone all day until just now.  Dozens of friends and family sent the nicest messages today we felt loved.

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I asked your Daddy today if he gets sad about Elo growing up so fast.  He said, “No I just keep thinking that Haddie will never get to grow up.”

We love you.  I missed you with every breath I took today.

Love,

Mama

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A selfless friend.

We went to church today and then ran some errands.  By the time we got home it was nap time for everyone.  As I was putting Elo in her bed she said, “Mama, I don’t want you to go to heaven.”  Although we talk about heaven and how wonderful it is and that you are there with Jesus, Elo gets it.  Elo understands now that you are in heaven and that means you aren’t coming back.  She is 3 1/2 and understands what death is.  She has been talking about it more and more.  She now pretends to “die” while playing, not cool.

She froze me in my tracks the other day when she asked, “Mama tell me the story about Haddie die.”

What do I say?

I said, “Well Haddie and you were at daycare and Haddie fell asleep and woke up in heaven with Jesus.”

This did not satisfy her, “No, tell me about how her died.”

So I said again, “Well she fell asleep and woke up in heaven.”

I’m trying my hardest to explain to a 3 year old something that is so tragic with out scarring her forever.  I don’t want her to fear sleeping, or think that some day she won’t wake up when she goes to sleep.  So I said that I would tell her more when she is older.  How will I know when that moment is right?  When she is ready to hear it?  I think it will just happen over time and as she gets older I can tell her more and more.

Here we are at the doctor’s office the other day.  I love her.

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30 Weeks

I will end with a wonderful story.  It happened yesterday.  Yesterday was a dreary day, it rained the whole day.  From the moment I woke up I felt your absence heavy on my heart.  The whole day was just sad and I was going through the motions.  I was counting down the minutes until nap time so I could nap.  Once nap time was over I counted down the minutes until bedtime so I could go and escape.  I was sitting on the couch looking at Facebook.  A friend, that I have only met in person once, posted a picture of her daughter’s first birthday party.  The picture should have been in a magazine, it was so beautiful, and I simply commented, “I wanna come.”  Since you have died this person has been a constant support for me.  Always sending kind messages, commenting on the endless photos I post of you.  She “gets it” as much as she can and lets me know often that she hasn’t forgotten you or me.  Maybe 5-7 minutes after I commented on her picture I got a Facebook message in my inbox.

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She sends me this picture and tells me that instead of gifts for her daughter’s first birthday she asked for donations for Haddie’s Calling in your honor.  She then goes on to tell me that she raised over $800 in cash donations alone.  She tells me, “I have thought of you and your girls everyday.  And I thought of you often today.”  On a day that is meant to celebrate her sweet baby girl turning 1 year old she was thinking of me.  I was humbled and brought to tears.  Let me be honest I was brought to uncontrollable sobbing.  I can’t believe that someone would do this for me, and for you, and for our family.  It was so completely selfless.  It’s hard for me to even think about this act of kindness because as soon as it enters my mind I can feel the tears building up.

It makes me think about all the opportunities that I had to be selfless and show others kindness and it just didn’t occur to me.  Sure I sent a card, or sent a meal, but I could have done more.  I could have done so much more.  So I am forever grateful to this friend that I spent probably less than 24 hours with in person.  I have watched her life on Facebook and many times thought she has the best style, the most exciting life, the coolest job.  And now I know the biggest heart.  Thank you…

I love you Haddie.

 

Mama

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Our last month we spent together

Haddie,

April is drawing to an end.  I laid in bed this morning thinking about this next month.  May.  Our last month we spent together.  Your eyes were so bright and your smile was so big.  How will I live through this month.  Inside I am screaming.  I’m pissed.  I’m broken.  My heart is broken for you.  All of my hopes and dreams feel gone.  My happiness is stolen.  How do I survive this life with out you.  The pain weighs heavy on my chest.  The sun and its warmth seem to mock me.

With the warm weather we are venturing outside more and more.  I brought up the water table and sand box for Eloise.  I sit on the deck and watch her play.  I remember exactly what last year was like.  I sat and watched you both play at the water table.  Life was good, complete, and whole.  Everything was as it should be.  Now my life feels like just a shell of what was.

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Aunt Alisa had her beautiful, perfect baby girl Olive this past week.   She is perfect and I could hold her all day.   We visited them at their house yesterday.  Crew loves his sister and sweetly cares for her.  I watch him with her and wonder what you would be like with our new baby.  I can’t even imagine it.  Your not here, and if I am honest I don’t even know what that would look like any more.  We would have a van right now.  Not this car that doesn’t fit 3 children.  Everything seems so wrong with out you.  Nothing makes sense any more.  My life is a bad dream that I can never wake up from.  I can’t escape.

Most mornings I wake up and cry my many tears for you…alone.  Before Elo gets up, and before your Daddy wakes up.  They don’t need to know how sad I really am.  How unconsolable my grief is.  How dark my mind is.  They deserve every ounce of happiness this life has to offer.  I do my best to show them life without all of the sadness.  So many times my heart is not there.  You sit in a box on a shelf.  The child I carried, gave birth too, nursed, and adored. Sometimes it’s all just too much.

Elo is awake and I can hear her up there talking to herself.  I love her:)

My love for you never changes, my longing for you never ends.

Love,

Mama

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