Haddie we miss you. I wish you were here.
Haddie Bo BO,
I continue down this road of firsts…
Today I went grocery shopping for the first time. It was just Elo and me and it seemed like such a daunting task. First, because I hate grocery shopping. I feel like I always spend way too much money and I always seem to forget to buy something. Second, because I would usually take you with me. Sometimes I would take you and your sister and that always turned into a stressful situation. Mostly, Elo stayed home with Daddy and you were my shopping buddy. You always did so great sitting like a big girl in the top of the cart. Of course everyone loved to see you smile and always commented on how cute you were. I did find it annoying that if you weren’t clearly dressed in girl clothes people thought you were a boy. What says boy about your face???? Anyway, grocery shopping today was easy we even returned cans. It was so easy that I hated it. I wish you were there so I could juggle the chaos of keeping two kids happy in the grocery store, and finding a place to put the groceries in the cart. I miss going in the baby aisles for diapers, wipes, and baby food. I only saw one person I knew at the grocery store I wasn’t prepared to talk so I turned down the underwear aisle. I also think it’s strange that when you make eye contact with someone you give the polite smile and they usual smile back. Sometimes I think of it as a game; trying to make the grumpiest looking person smile back at you. So even though today I didn’t feel like smiling at people I did. The one person who refused to smile back really bothered me. If I can make the effort smile at you ,when my daughter is not here anymore, than you can smile back. But maybe they are experiencing the same kind of loss and I should give them a break.
Haddie Bo Bo,
|Isn’t your sister beautiful!?!|
Happy 11 months baby girl. The fireworks are for you. Today was a wonderful time spent with family and friends. You were talked about often with smiles and tears. We wish you were here. Elo sang, “Happy Birthday Haddie Bo Bo, cha cha cha!”
Haddie Bo Bo,
Yesterday was 1 month since that horrid day.
I am heartbroken. I am not going to try to describe the feelings I had because there are no words that could come close to explaining the pain.
Your Aunt Rachel called early in the morning to tell us how much she loves us and misses you. Aunt Alisa, Aunt Emily, and Grandma Jane came over for breakfast. We talked about you, and looked at your hand/foot prints. We shed some tears, but we also had lots of smiles and laughs.
An old friend gave us a box full of fireworks for tomorrow! It was so generous and we felt so loved. Eloise is going to be ecstatic! Just wish you were here to see them, Bo Bo.
Today I did my first 21 day fix work out since you have been gone. It was hard, my legs were shaking, and I couldn’t breath.
I also showered for the first time since Monday night. I brushed my hair for the first time since your funeral.
Last night was my first night I spent by myself without someone keeping me company. Your Daddy was playing baseball so it was just your sister and me. We went for a walk and she talked about you a lot. She said, “Mama, you sad about Haddie.” I am not sure if it was a statement or a question. She also sang you “Jesus Loves Me”. We miss you so very much.
This morning we sat on the couch and watched cartoons like we always do on Saturday mornings. It was quiet, too quiet. It’s not the same without you. I still look around the living room hoping to see you crawl around the corner with something in your mouth. Something that you shouldn’t have in your mouth.
So a lot of firsts for us some good and some sad.
Love and Miss you Always,
Here are some pics your sister took from today….
|Aunt Alisa teaching the art of the selfie|
|Perfecting the selfie|
Haddie Bo Bo,
There is this thing that tells you what you were doing this exact day last year, 2 years ago, 5 years ago, etc. It’s called Timehop. So I looked up mine today and this is what came up 2 years ago today….
|Moments before meltdown|
Haddie Bo Bo,
The day after you were born I was in the hospital. I was considering staying another night because it is easier having the help and well to be honest your Daddy and I really liked the food. It was in the morning and the day shift nurse came on duty. She asked me a few things and made me uncomfortable so I abruptly told her that I wanted to go home. So I came home and I was so car sick on the ride home I couldn’t open my eyes. I walked in and laid on the couch and slept for hours. Thankfully Grammy and Mimi were here to help with your sister and you.
Your Grammy is a skilled sewer and has made Eloise and you special blankets. They are so special that I haven’t let you guys use them. I recently went through all of your clothes and pulled out any that were special or I remembered you wearing a lot. Some of them still had dirty knees from you crawling all over. I went through each one and reminisced about the last memory I have of you in each outfit. Your Grammy is making me a quilt out of them. I can’t wait until its done so I can curl up with it and think about you.
I drove to Walgreen’s to get some throat drops. On the way home Carrie Underwood’s “See You Again” came on. This is the song that was played during your slide show at your funeral. At first I just teared up. Then I started screaming and weeping. I’m just so upset and it’s not fair. I am mad at God tonight. Why didn’t He intervene? I am mad that this is my life. I don’t want this life. I want my baby. I want you back. Sometimes I don’t think I will make it through another day or another hour with this unbearable pain that has no end in sight. Tonight the pain is overwhelming as I think of the 2nd approaching. Your birthday is right around the corner. How will I live through that day? I know that I will be surrounded by people who love me and who loved you, Haddie. I know that I can and will live through those days, but I just don’t want to do it. The mad phase has begun…
Love you Haddie,
Haddie Bo Bo,
t when I ask strangers to take our picture. We are smiling in the picture because that’s what you are supposed to do right? I know that you are always with us, Haddie. But that’s not good enough for me. I don’t really find that comforting yet, maybe I will someday. I want you back where you belong with us in our family picture.
Haddie Bo Bo,
I haven’t dreamed of you yet in a way that I would like. I did have one dream about you but it was a nightmare so I don’t count that one. I wonder what it would be like to see you in my dreams. Would I like it because I miss you so much and it would be a gift to see you again? Or would I hate it because it would just remind me of the fact that you are not here and I won’t see you again in this lifetime. Some days I am ok and I can function somewhat normally. Other days I am just…well…pissed. By what cruel design was I chosen to loose a child. To live this life everyday remembering what could have been, what should have been.
I use to manage a independent senior community for 4 1/2 years and I remember speaking with a lady resident who had lost her daughter at a young age. I remember thinking how sad that she has lived her whole life with out her daughter. She told me that she doesn’t like talking about it because it’s too painful. Even after 60 some years her pain was still very real and present. I know can relate to her pain. I know I will still hurt for you, still cry tears for you 60 years from now.
You were born on August 4th, 2014 at 3:27am. That day I spent with your Aunt Emily and Uncle Aaron and their brood of Brown kids. I swam in the pool with your sister and we ate Jet’s Pizza.
As I was sitting on the bar stool in our kitchen I had notice some contractions starting. They weren’t anything to take note of at the time. They continued through out our evening coming about every 10 minutes. The Brown’s offered to take Elo home with them just incase. I declined because they weren’t very strong and I thought they might go away. We put Elo to bed, your Daddy went to take his nightly bath, and I went to lie down and watch some TV. Laying in bed my contractions started to become stronger and were now coming every 7 minutes. I called the doctor to get their opinion on what I should do. We live about 45 minutes from the hospital, and because it only took 12 hours to have Eloise, they thought I should make my way towards the hospital. So we dropped Eloise off at the Brown’s and headed to Grand Rapids. When we got there I was only dilated to a 3 and they told me to walk around the hospital for and hour to see if I make any progress. As we were walking around the hospital my contractions were coming every 3 minutes and they were painful, I was bending over grabbing the handrails in the hallways. It was late so it was like a ghost town in the hospital. As I was walking I farted, it surprised me, and grabbed my bum. I turned around to look and of course the only two other people in the hospital that night happened to be right behind me. They laughed, and your Daddy and I laughed, and kept walking. After an hour they checked me again and I was now a 5 and in quite a bit of pain. They asked me if I would like anything for the pain. I said I would like an epidural, because I knew it took sometime for them to bring it. They told me I couldn’t have it until I was admitted upstairs. So why did they ask, I do not know. I labored for another hour in triage, and I was now dilated to an 8 and asking for the epidural. They told me they were really busy upstairs and they would bring me up as soon as possible. At this point the contractions were so very painful and I was rolling around in my not so comfortable bed. FINALLY, after what seemed like hours, they came with the wheelchair to bring me upstairs. I felt like I had to poop which is a sign that I was ready to push. I went to the bathroom and pooped and the nurse was so worried that I pushed you out into the toilet that she came running into the bathroom. I was able to get my epidural, and I thought great I can get some rest before I have to push. As soon as I got the epidural they checked me again and I was a 10 and ready to push. So much for resting! I only pushed twice and I grabbed you and put you on my chest.
I don’t remember you crying. I think you were just content to have me hold you. Which now I know is just your personality. You looked so different than I thought you would, I thought you would like like Eloise. You had very little hair and it was blonde. You had blue eyes and I thought you looked like your Grandpa Bromley. Later that morning your sister came to see you. I was a little nervous at how she would react to you because it had been all about her for almost two years. But she immediately loved you and kissed you on your forehead.
It was so perfect. Our family was perfect and everything felt right. Holding you then I never thought that I would only have you in our life for 9 months. I look at those pictures and remembered that feeling of “this is how life should be”.
I can tell when I am about to have a grief ridden episode. I start to feel anxious, and I can’t bring myself to participate in any type of social interaction, no matter how small. My mind starts flooding with memories of you. My heart starts to hurt emotionally and physically. This is followed by tears, sometimes silent, sometimes loud. I find myself asking several times a day, out loud, “Where’s Haddie?” Even though you are gone I still find myself wanting to do things for you. Today we were shopping in a little town called Charlevoix. We bought your sister a tea set and I wanted so badly to buy you this adorable “Pure Girl” shirt. I picked out your size and everything. I love you baby girl, so much, it truly does hurt.
Forever and Always,