Today…I can’t find the good

haddie's calling safe sleep
I love how you have your hand on Elo’s leg

Haddie Bo Bo,

 

Wow life has been busy, distracting, and moving along.

Today I can’t find the good.  Usually I can find something positive to distract myself from the feelings that I have about you not being here.  Today I can’t.  Your face is what I see when I close my eyes.  My thoughts are running over the what if’s, if only’s, and I wish I could change…  The hole you left is big and no matter what I try to do it can not be filled.  Not that I want to fill it, but I think it’s something that naturally naturally happens.  I have two little kids at home always needing something, I have a mom that is having health issues, I have a busy neighborhood with something going on at all times, I take pills that are supposed to make me mentally stable, and today….I am aching for you.  Today I am thinking of you, wanting you… Today none of that busy-ness is taking away the pain or distracting me from it.

Elo has been having a hard time recently.  She has been talking about you a lot.  A couple weeks ago she came up to me riding her scooter and exclaimed, “Haddie is leaving my brain.  I can’t remember when she bit my butt.”  She cried for you.  I got angry.  Not at Elo but at this situation we are all in.  She tells her friends about you and it warms my heart.  So many times I don’t know what to say or how to comfort her.  I usually say the things I am supposed to say, “Haddie is always with you, we will see her again in heaven.”  But I lack the believability behind the words.  Because I don’t find those words comforting, or enough to get me through.

Your birthday is approaching.  You would be 4, on August 4, your golden birthday.  We went to visit Grandma in the hospital last night and Elo and Fitz were running through the hallways singing and talking loudly.  Elo was ahead of Fitz and I asked your Daddy, “Wouldn’t it be crazy if there was 3 of them?”  There should have been another little one running between them.  I tried to imagine you there where you should be, in the middle.

I recently watched this documentary on HBO called There’s Something Wrong With Aunt Diane.  It was about a mom who drove the wrong way down the highway, killing herself, her daughter, and her 3 nieces.  The mom of the 3 girls that died wrote a book called, I’ll See You Again.  She talks about what happened and her grief.  The story was gut wrenching….but I identified with every word she wrote.  She talked about not wanting to live with out her girls and just wanting to be with them.  But then she ended up having another child and knew that she needed her more than her girls.  This book made me feel normal.  That I am not alone.  That all the ups and downs, irrational thoughts, fights, screaming, are all normal.  This is my normal now; happy and sad all rolled into one.

I treasure the times we had together, even when they are painful.  It seems like another lifetime and I find myself questioning if I really did live that life.

Love,

 

Your Mama

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