Haddie Bo Bo,
I’m a dreamer. I always have been.
When you dream of what your future might hold you dream big. At least I did. You think about your dream job, your dream house, the family you will have. You dream about the places you will travel and the memories you will make. You dream about the kind of life you will give those you love.
No one dreams of a tragedy.
No one considers the things in life that might alter those dreams. Alter them in a way that you feel you cannot recover or that you spend the rest of your days trying to recover, make-up, or some how survive.
I was at your sister’s t-ball game yesterday and the sun was shining, your little brother was on my lap, we were sitting in the grass, and I thought this is the life that I dreamt. Almost. Because once I thought about that then I thought about how you aren’t out on that field with your sister playing in the dirt instead of watching for the ball.
Last Sunday we tried out a new church. It was baptism Sunday and these parents were their to baptism/dedicate their babies. I did that. I dressed you up, I wrote you a letter, I prayed for you, I stood in front of church and dedicated your life to God. I promised that I would care for you and teach you about Jesus and how much he loves you. I did NOT stand on that stage and think that 4 months later I would be closing your casket never to see your face again. I’m sure the parents that stood on that stage never have the thought that the baby they are holding might die. Who does? Then they ended the service with the David Crowder song “Come as you are” and there is a line in that song, “earth has no sorrow that heaven can’t heal”. I just can’t sing those words or even hear them. Because right now this isn’t healed no matter how much I pray that God heals my heart it doesn’t seem possible. The only way my heart will be healed is when I get to heaven and I’m reunited with you.
I still dream. But the dream is different. I’m constantly dreaming the “what if’s”. I dream about what your passions would be. I dream about the relationship you would have had with your sister. I dream about what life would have looked like for you and siblings when you grew up. I dream about how our family would have been.
I dream about when you were here. I dream about your bald little head that I used to rub with my hand. I dream about how you would cling to me when there were a lot of people around. I dream about how you would smile at me when you saw me for the first time after a day at daycare. I dream of your cry, of your laugh, and your toothy grin.
I dream of our “normal” life. A life where I wasn’t constantly dreaming of what was and what could have been. I dream of days that I don’t have hide my tears from my husband, my kids, from my friends. I dream of days where I am not annoyed at my kids because they won’t just let me sit and cry for you. I hate when I feel that way. I dream of vacations that I don’t have to write your name in the sand because you aren’t here. I dream of family pictures without a shadow where you should be. I dream of holding you in my arms and not your ashes around my neck. I
I will never stop dreaming of you….and dreaming for you.
Love you so much!