Unexpected Moments

Dear Haddie,

Last night I was putting your sister to bed.  She asked for chocolate milk.  When I say asked it was more of a whine, cry, and on the verge of loosing it over chocolate milk.  So I did what any parent on the top of their parenting game does…I gave in.  I headed down stairs and I could hear Elo crying.  I came up the stairs and I followed the sounds of her cry.  I found her in your room.  She was on the floor, in the middle of the room, holding the bear that Grammy made you.

She had big crocodile tears streaming down her face as she said, “Haddie forgot to take her teddy bear! She is going to be so sad without her teddy bear.  I miss her so much!”

I froze.  Then I slowly walked over to her and got on the floor and wrapped her in my arms as she continued to sob and say, “I miss Haddie!”  We sobbed together on the floor of your room.

After a few minutes she asked if we could pray about you.  She also asked me to talk about you.  So I told her the story about how she fed you ice cream until she thought you had enough and said, “Here Mama, Haddie no more.”  I told her about how you bit her bottom and left a huge red mark.  I told her about how she would read you her books in her bed.  I told her about how you would pull her hair just like Fitz does.

Elo fell asleep clutching your bear.  When she woke up this morning she showed Fitz the bear and said, “Fitz this bear is special it’s Haddie’s bear.”

My heart went from shattered to melted.

Last weekend I went on a girls trip with some friend from high school.  It was a great time.  We shared memories, laughs, and advice.  Then it happened.  I don’t know exactly what happened but all of a sudden I was sad.  I was quiet.  My friends would ask, “Are you ok.”  I would say “yes.”  Then the next time they asked I just shrugged.  I shrugged because I didn’t know if I was ok.  Nothing really happened to make me sad.  I just know that I felt it and all of a sudden I was.  This happens sometimes and I am used to it.  But I felt horrible that people noticed and I hope it didn’t effect them negatively.  Just because I am sad I don’t expect people to be sad too, or change what they are doing.  I know it’s me.

All in all we are all missing you around here.  We miss you in the big things and in the small things.

 

I love you,

Mama

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