Haddie Bo Bo,
Yesterday we said goodbye to Daddy’s Grandpa Bromley. We found out about his death on New Years Eve. He lived a long and happy life. We sat and listened to story after story of how he helped others, loved others, and loved God. He set an amazing example for his family of how to live life well. Grandpa Bromley was 89 when he died. He had accomplished many things in his life. As I sat in the church I was very conscious of the fact that although we are sad we can’t see Grandpa anymore, we rejoice that he no longer suffers and that he is made whole again. He is home. He is at peace.
There was a bittersweetness to the day. Although there were sad moments there was a sense of peace and joy. This made me think of your funeral. It’s strange how death is death but the circumstances around death can be so different. There wasn’t joyful moments at your funeral like there was at Grandpa’s. It was just plain sad. “She is at peace, or no longer suffering” statements didn’t apply. I would be shocked if 95% of people didn’t cry at your funeral. It was just tragic and as I remember it traumatic.
A few days before the funeral the obituary was being shared around. I hadn’t read it yet and I asked your Daddy if he read it. He said, “Yes.”
I asked him if it made him sad. He said, “Yes. But mostly because it was hard to see my daughter’s name.” At first I didn’t understand. Why would our daughter be in the obituary. Seeing my confusion your daddy said, “You know preceded in death by…”
Then I found myself tearing up. I didn’t really think about seeing your name in another obituary. You preceded your 89 year old Great Grandpa in death. That is not how it’s supposed to be. Don’t get me wrong it means so much to us that they remembered you. Even though it was sad to read your name we wouldn’t want it any other way.
At the visitation I asked Grandma Arlene, “Do you think Grandpa is holding Haddie.”
She responded, “Of course he is. I know it.”
I felt a little bit of comfort. The thought of this great man now up in heaven taking care of you really does bring a little bit of peace.
I wish I could feel as sure as Grandma Arlene is about you and Grandpa being in heaven. My whole life I believed in heaven and with confidence I would tell others that they would see their loved ones again. I am not saying that I don’t believe in heaven anymore. But when I lost you it made me question every single belief I have ever had.
I ask myself a lot, “Do I really believe you are in heaven?”
“Do I really believe I will see you again?”
“Do I really believe that God is for my good?”
I know these statements are true in my head. I would tell them to my children and to others. My heart just isn’t connecting with them yet.
I hope you and Grandpa Bromley are having a great time. I am sure he is giving you lots of chocolate treats and making you smile your big toothy grin.
I hope that I can live a life as great and full as Grandpa Bromley and I can’t wait to see you both again.
love you Hads,