In This Burning House

Haddie Bo Bo,

I have heard this song “In This Burning House” before but today it struck me.  I doubt that it is about greiving the loss of a child, but I identified with many of the lyrics.

 

I had a dream about a burning house
You were stuck inside
I couldn’t get you out
I lay beside you and pulled you close
And the two of us went up in smoke
I didn’t physically die that day that you did, but in so many ways I feel as I have.  So much of my days I spend trying to “pull you close”, keep you close, keep you present.  By doing this I feel like both of us “went up in smoke”.  I am stuck there with you.
I’ve been sleepwalking
Been wondering all night
Trying to take what’s lost and broke
And make it right
I’ve been sleepwalking
Too close to the fire
But it’s the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house
Sometimes I really feel like I am “sleepwalking” through this life.  Or I am “wondering all night” trying to find you, glimpses of you, any sign that you are still with us.  I use so much energy trying to “take what’s lost and broke and make it right”.  That is what Haddie’s Calling is all about.  Trying to make good come out of this tragedy.  There seems to be no happy medium.  Even in the highest high I feel and recognize the lowest low.  Doing things like looking at your police pictures could be described as being “too close to the fire”.  But I do feel like that is ONE of the “only places that I can hold you tight”.
Today I realized that I haven’t taken a video of Fitz in awhile.  So I took one.  My thought process was I need to have videos of him incase he dies.  I will need them to remember him like I do you.  How messed up is that?  I take videos of my kids incase they die.  Truth. Reality.
We have been back at church pretty consistently this past month and a half.  It’s still hard.  I am forcing myself to go.  Worship is still painful for me.  It’s too personal.  I am going through the motions in hopes that someday my heart will follow.
Haddie I love you.  I will always be your Mama.  I am still trying to figure out how to be a Mama to you while you aren’t here. (below are the full lyrics to this song)
Love,
Mama
In this Burning House By CAM
I had a dream about a burning house
You were stuck inside
I couldn’t get you out
I lay beside you and pulled you close
And the two of us went up in smoke
Love isn’t all that it seems
I did you wrong
I’ll stay here with you
Until this dream is gone
I’ve been sleepwalking
Been wondering all night
Trying to take what’s lost and broke
And make it right
I’ve been sleepwalking
Too close to the fire
But it’s the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house
I see you at a party and you look the same
I could take you back
But people don’t really change
Wish that we could go back in time
I’d be the one you thought you’d find
Love isn’t all that it seems
I did you wrong
I’ll stay here with you
Till this dream is gone
I’ve been sleepwalking
Been wondering all night
Trying to take what’s lost and broke
And make it right
I’ve been sleepwalking
Too close to the fire
But it’s the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house
Flames are getting bigger now
In this burning house
I can hold on to you somehow
In this burning house
Oh and I don’t wanna wake up
In this burning house
And I been sleepwalking
Been wandering all night
Trying to take what’s lost and broke
And make it right
I’ve been sleep walking
Too close to the fire
But it’s the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house

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