Did you struggle?

Haddie Bo Bo,

This morning your brother woke me up.  I made him a bottle and fed him in bed while watching a Hallmark Christmas movie.  When he was done and changed his diaper and got him dressed in his Michigan gear for the big game.  Daddy was still asleep beside us.  I then decided I was going to put away the clothes I brought up in the laundry basket last night.  I took my blankets off the side of my bed and pushed the pillows away.  We have a king size bed so there is a lot of room.  I laid Fitz there in the middle so he could watch the fan and me as a walked around the room.  The only blankets I use for Fitz is a Aden and Anais breathable blanket.  The only way I use it for him is for tummy time or as a burp cloth.  I had two towels in my basket that I needed to put away.  So I left my bedroom and went into the bathroom that is next door.  I put the towels in the closet.  I noticed in the bathroom that Elo had left some food wrappers and other stuff that needed to be thrown away.  So I threw them away and put some other things back in their places in the bathroom next to my room.  It had only been about 60-90 seconds that I had left the room.  Fitz start to fuss, then started to make this gulping, gasping sound.  I went back into the bedroom and his head was completely covered by the smaller blanket I use when I sleep.  It’s technically a baby blanket.  I ran over and pulled the blanket off his head.  His face was red.  He was scared.  He was struggling to get this blanket off his head.

I felt immediate guilt.

Although I had cleaned off the bed and put everything out of his reach (or so I thought) he was still able to move and cover himself.  This happened so quickly.  Your Daddy was still asleep he didn’t hear him.  Which I do not blame him.  I wouldn’t expect him too.  It just shows how quickly these moments can happen.  I had no intentions of leaving him on the bed alone.  I just left the room for a “quick second”.  I was in the room with him the whole time beside that one moment.  That’s all it took.

I picked him up and said, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”  Over and over with tears in my eyes.  It’s my job to make sure he is safe to protect him from these moments.  Even with everything I know about #safesleep I still made a mistake.  So many parents think what happened to us, to you, won’t happen to them.  Well this moment proves that it can.

How many parents have these near misses during the day?

How many times are we one moment away from a tragedy?

My mind can’t go there.  At least I try to not let it.  Did you struggle?  Did you gasp for air?  Did you gulp?  Did you cry and scream?  I picture you laying there just like Fitz was and struggling.  But no one came to your rescue that day.  No one pulled the blanket off you, picked you up, and told you, “I”m sorry.”

I’m so sorry Haddie.  So sorry that you were robbed of this life.  That no one rescued you.  That we failed you.

Now I feel haunted today.  These images in my head.

I will go take a Xanax now.

Please forgive us Haddie.

Mama

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