I feel you slipping away from me

Haddie Bo Bo,

I feel it.  I feel you slipping away from me every day.  Sometimes I don’t realize it.  Other moments it slaps me in the face and I am consumed with guilt, hate, and sadness.  Life does go on and sometimes I despise it for that reason.  In many ways I am still with you.  Back when you were here.  I am still in those horrifying moments after I heard those words, “Your daughter has passed away.”

The other day I drove past that road.  The road where you took your last breath.  I looked down that road.  The road that I turned down twice a day for over a year.  I haven’t gone back.  I wish I was still going down that road twice a day.

I also drove past the “Island Express” or something like that.  It’s a convenience store in Zeeland.  This is where your Daddy had pulled over when he found out that you died.  Images were flashing through my head as I drove by in what seemed like slow motion.  What he must have looked like sitting there in his car.  How excruciating the pain must have been.  How helpless he must of felt.  He was alone.  He could only hear me screaming on the phone.  He was powerless to help me…to help you.  He was only 15 minutes away from picking you up…

I just don’t understand this thing called life.  Nothing makes sense really.  I wish my only problems in life where the bigger better house to buy.  Or what my family will wear for family pictures.  Why do some families go through life with no tragedies while others live in the storm day in and day out.  I have two really good friends that constantly struggle with infertility.  They deserve a child yet after years and years of trying…nothing.  While others have an “oops”.  A big “oops” like still on birth control “oops”.  Or the teenage girl that has sex for the first time and gets pregnant.

I found a quote that really describes my reality these days.  I found it on instagram and it is by a mother who has also lost a child.  “My biggest challenge is while everyone else is here, I”m still there with you.” -afterchloe

My body is here in the moment.  Sometimes I am here in the moment.  But many times I am there with you.  In THOSE moments.  But I feel like ever so gradually I am more here than there…and I feel you slipping away from me.

Come back to me Haddie…please.

 

Love you forever.  I will fight for you.

Mama

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