I am a complete lunatic

Haddie Bo Bo,

I had a moment this weekend where I was walking around the mall, which is a normal activity, when all of a sudden it hit me.  It was like I awoke suddenly from a dream.  What am I doing?  My daughter is dead I shouldn’t be just walking around this mall.  Most of the time I am just going through the motions.  Doing normal things so I look normal.  Doing things to make me look like I am doing “okay”.  When if anyone could read my thoughts they would think I am a complete lunatic.

The girls trip was good and I am glad I went.  We arrived back at our original meeting spot said our goodbyes and I got in the car.  I started driving home and lost it.  I couldn’t help but think about how you wouldn’t be there to greet me.  It’s such an unexplainable feeling.  Longing to be at home with your sister and your Daddy, but at the same time fearing it.  I had a tiny escape for a few days, but I am coming home to the same thing.  The reality of my life with out you.  I wailed most of the way home and I haven’t sobbed like that in awhile.  I even texted your Daddy the night before asking, “Will Bo Bo be there when I get back?”  He replied, “I love you…”  The one question I asked the whole drive home, “Why us? Why my sweet baby girl?”    

Sometimes I pray for God to take me.  Because I want to be with you so bad.  I read this last night and I so look forward to that day, Haddie.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/08/one-sweet-day/?utm_source=feedblitz&utm_medium=FeedBlitzRss&utm_campaign=stillstandingmagazine

It will be so sweet and I truly long for it.

People are talking about fall, some with anticipation.  The change of the seasons makes me feel anxious.  You passed away in summer, so I don’t want it to ever end.  Fall is one more reminder that this world goes on whether I want it to or not.  My life feels like it has stopped but the world keeps going.  The leaves will change colors and fall and before we know it there will be snow on the ground.  Farther and farther away from you.

I was trying to explain this to your Daddy today, but I don’t think I did a very good job.  It feels like it’s been forever since you have been here in our house.  I am starting to forget what it was like to have you here.  Then it sometimes feels like, “Where you ever really here?”  Today my heart is in a million pieces and my brain is complete a mess.

I just wish you would have been here today when I walked in that door….a miracle.  Or maybe I would just wake up from this nightmare that is my life.

 I hope heaven has AC because it’s a hot one down here!

Love,

Mama

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