Are you really in Heaven?

Haddie Bo Bo,

I would have done anything, Haddie.  I would have chosen anything else than this.  I wouldn’t think twice about sacrificing myself if I had been given the option.  Whether that means me instead of you, or a different type of life altering tragedy.  You did not deserve this, you were helpless.  You depended on others completely for your care and safety.  It is easy to say that I would take on any other tragedy because I have experienced the tragedy of losing you.  Of hearing those life shattering words, “Your daughter has passed.”

Tomorrow I am attending a Bereaved Mom’s Retreat put on by Starlight Ministries.  A friend signed me up with my permission.  This friend has also experienced the loss of a child.  I have many different feelings about attending this event.  I am nervous because I don’t know what to expect.  Most of all I feel pissed that I fall into a category of “Bereaved Mom’s”. Why does this apply to me?  Again I find myself in this club that I never ever wanted to be in.  With that being said the club that I am in does offer so much support and love and understanding.  Some day down the road I might be that Mom offering support to a new member of the club.  Although I hope and pray that I never have to do that….odds are that I will.

Day 3 of potty training has proven successful.  We have had no accidents and we even went on an excursion to South Haven.  It is definitely a different experience carrying around a potty with you everywhere you go.  We have no shame.  Is it to early to say that I think this is it?!  I think we are out of diapers.  Which when I think about it I should still be buying diapers for you.  I would gladly go broke buying you diapers baby girl.  You will always be 9 months old and my precious Bo Bo.  Now with every new thing I experience with Elo comes the thought that I will never experience it with you.

For most of my life I have had this strong faith in God.  I would still say that is true.  But sometimes I find myself wondering are you really in heaven, Haddie?  Do I really believe that?  Or is this something we tell ourselves to make us feel better about life?  Am I a bad Christ Follower because I question that?  And even sometimes doubt that?  Losing you has really changed somethings.  I still pray.  I know in my heart that God is real and loves me.  But I am mad…MAD.  It’s weird to be mad at God but still look to Him for comfort.  I saw a post on facebook the other day of a family.  I know that a picture on facebook doesn’t always tell the whole story.  The caption on the photo was, “God is Good”.  Reading that I felt cynical.  It’s so easy to say “God is good” when things are perfect or going well.  It’s hard to say “God is good” when your child is gone.  I do not fault this person for saying that and I am not trying to make anyone feel bad for posting whatever they post.  So please know that is not my intention.  It’s more about me and where I am at not about the picture and the comment.  Living my life right now saying “God is good”  is hard.  But I know in my heart I believe it, but because I am mad I am not going to say it.  Because I am stubborn. Because I am not ready.  Because My God can handle my anger.  Because I believe He grieves with me so He is mad too.

I have said it before, but I thought my miscarriages would be our greatest tragedy of our lives.  I know this is a horrible thought so I shouldn’t say it out loud, but anyone who knows me knows I say what I think 110% of the time.  But when you died, Haddie, I couldn’t help but think really…can’t it get spread out a little bit?  Don’t get me wrong I would never wish this on anyone else.  But yes I am saying it, “Why me God?”  If I sound like I am whining, I am.  Why give us this beautiful baby girl who is sweet beyond words to take her away 9 months later?  I know that there are people out there who have a much worse story than mine.  But mine still hurts too and I think that it’s ok if I have a whiny-woe’s me day.

I love you baby….

Mama

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