I have a secret.

Dear Haddie Bo Bo,

There are so many 1st’s I have to experience after you passed.  I hate each one because they remind me that life moves on and I have no choice.  This weekend we will attempt to return to church for the 1st time.

There is so much about this life that I hate now.  Mostly I hate waking up every morning and having to deal with you not being here all over again.  I hate the feelings that build up inside of me and I have no outlet for them.  These past few days we have been in the Motor City attending a Tigers game for a company picnic.  We stayed overnight because Daddy had a meeting the next day for work.  Your Mimi and I took Eloise to a nearby waterpark.  It was so much fun, and Eloise had a blast, and I loved seeing her smile.   At the park I watched other mothers carry around their babies while they watched their older child play in the water.  I saw a daddy asleep in a lounge chair with his baby girl asleep on his chest.  I saw you everywhere I looked.

 We went to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe because what kid wouldn’t love seeing the animals move and the fish swim in the aquariums?  Well Eloise did not love it.  The animals and thunderstorms scared her and she hid almost the whole time.  Even with the Rainforest experience we had a great time away.  But I just kept thinking that none of this heals the hurt I feel.  No matter how many shirts I buy, or laughs we have it doesn’t change how I feel.  Although I have moments of joy and it doesn’t take away the pain.  It’s like putting a bandaid on a bleeding wound.  It may slow it down but it continues to bleed.  I am happy when I see your sister happy.  I smile on the outside and I laugh when she laughs.  But half of me inside feels dead and I don’t think it will ever become alive again.  Haddie, I am in pieces for you.  And I hate absolutely hate living without you.  I am not going to pretend that life is good. There are good moments, but living with out you is torture and I will never be okay with it.

Last night Eloise said, “Mama, I have a secret. Come closer.”  I bent down, and turned my ear towards her.  She cupped her hands and whispered, “My Haddie loves us.”  That made my heart happy, and brought a smile to my face, and tears to my eyes.  Mama loves you so much baby.  I am so sad you aren’t here to live life with us in person.  But I am trying my darnedest to give your sister the best, fullest, life possible because she deserves it and so do you.  I carry around a pain that nothing soothes, nothing comforts it, nothing makes me feel whole.  You baby girl are such a big part of who I am.  A friend told me this past weekend that she recently had a conversation with her Grandma who had lost a child.  She asked her, “How did you get through the loss of your child?”  Her Grandma respond, “I am still trying everyday.”

Because of my faith in God I have the hope and promise that I will see you again.  But I hurt everyday for you and that will never change.

Love,

Mama

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